“Diary Prologue”
I don’t know
if diaries have prologues. Or even if I fully understand the purpose of having
a prologue, but I figured you’d need some insight before jumping into my
reality.
The doctors told
me you would help. That you would help me come to terms with my own reality. So
here. This is me, coming to terms with what happened. This summer, I went away.
I lived with people in white scrubs that taught me to love myself. They gave me
what I needed to get back on my feet again. They played Beyonce’ during lunch so
that we could sing along and feel empowered to “keep going”. And at first, I
didn’t want to. I didn’t want to “keep going”. But the more time I spent there,
in that place with the beautiful water fountain that they let you jump in on
your last day before they send you off to “create-your-own-destiny”, the more I
believed that I could. “Keep going”. And on that last day, when I finally got
the chance to feel the clear blue water cascading down my face, I finally
understood what they meant. To “keep going”. I wanted to. And I will.
That’s where you
come in. I’m here to document my progress. The “creation of my own destiny”; in
hopes to inspire others with my story. At least, that’s what they said it would
do. And I’m rolling with it. So here’s to you, here’s to me, and here’s to the
first step into my new life. Hopefully.
Sept 3
Today was my
first day back. It was my first day in the high school, “freshmeat”, they calls
us. But I don’t mind. At least I have a nickname. I’ve decided to make a name
for myself, in the process of this whole create-your-own-destiny thing. So I’m
okay with it.
I met new people
in my math class today, they seemed really nice. Everyone seemed to forget what
happened last spring. Except for some people. I caught a couple of weird looks
from these girls in my 9th period gym class, but that’s just because
they saw it happen. Must have been scary. But I know that this year, I will
prove everyone wrong. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror before lunch,
and I finally didn’t feel it. I smiled, fixed my hair, and walked right into
the lunch room. I’ve never been able to do that. I really have changed. I will
keep going, and I will succeed.
Sept 5
Yesterday
was a great day. I made friends with the new people in math class. It was
great. I’m finally understanding the type of people that they told me I should
surround myself with in order to feel my best. I’ve never had these kind of
people in my life before. My parents have always been supportive, but they
aren’t friends. These people are the ones that I can see pushing me to be “the
best me I can be”. That’s all they said this summer. Is to surround yourself
with people that push you to be “the best me that you can be”. So I am. It
feels so good.
Sept 6
I
saw her today. Ana. Ana is, well…
Okay. This is me coming to terms
with my past, just like they said to do. And that’s what you’re here for.
Right?
Ana ruined my
life. I met her January of last year. We got very close, very quickly. She
became controlling and consumed my whole life. She was what everyone wanted to
be. Thin and beautiful. She had people wrapped around her finger.
I was one of those people.
I went from admiring her from afar to doing
everything she told me to do. She decided what I did and when I did it. It was
terrible. But at the time, I thought it was worth it. I wanted to badly to be
like her and to have her approval, and I never got it. She just pushed me and
pushed me and pushed me until the point that I hated every ounce of being. She
made me disgusted with myself. She had that power over me.
I ended up in the
hospital. That’s why I went away.
I haven’t seen her
all summer; they never let me. And that was for the best. Without her, I am
able to create-my-own-destiny. She no longer has control of my life. I do.
Sept 10
The
weekend was boring, I basically just babysat James until my mom came home. It
sucks that it’s just us nowadays. Even though James is 8 now, I am still
responsible for doing all the work for him when mom goes out. She does that a
lot. It’s annoying, but it keeps me occupied. Not much else to tell, besides
the fact that I have plans with my math friends tomorrow night. We’re having a
study group at the library. I’m excited. I’ve never done this before. I like
having nice friends.
Sept 11
Cheer tryouts
are this week! I wanna try out. I’ve always wanted to be a cheerleader. Ana
always said that I wasn’t good enough to be one because I ate too much. But
this year, I decide who I want to be. I can do anything I want to. So here I
come, pep squad. GOOOOO PIRATES!
Sept 12
I
saw Ana again when I was out with my family tonight. I was staring at my plate
of 4 cheese Ravioli while my parents fought for my brother’s attention when she
was with a new group of girls. She was ordering them around as if she was the
ring leader of a traveling circus. That’s basically what she is. I mainly feel
bad for them, and want to help. They don’t know what they are in for. But part
of me misses that sense of belonging that she gave me. At least with her, I had
reasons for the things I did. But those things were destroying me, they said. I
can’t let her back in my life. So I just ignored it and tuned back into my
parent’s conversation where they were arguing whether James was happier at my
moms or my dad’s place. Divorce sucks, haha.
Sept 15
I
made the cheer team!! I’m so excited, I’m officially a Galena High School Cheerleader!
Practices start on Monday. One of the girls in my math class made it too. This
will be so much fun. I’m feeling so good about myself lately. This is what they
said would happen if I “kept going”. And I’m so glad I did.
Sept 17
I overheard
Ana talking to her new friends about me being on the cheerleading team. She was
saying that she was “surprised that someone with my cankankles managed to do
that much cardio and not collapse.” She’s just making an example of me in front
of her new friends. That’s how she gets girls to follow her; by building
herself up and tearing everyone else down. I didn’t let it get to me, because I
know that I am good enough. That’s what they told me. So I know it’s true.
Sept 20
I’m starting
to get lonely again. I love my new friends and the cheer team, but I keep
seeing Ana with all her new friends. Even though I know how she tortured me,
they all seem so happy. They all feel beautiful. I want to feel beautiful
again. Ana was the only reason I was able to feel remotely beautiful.
Sept 25
School
is starting to get harder and harder to deal with. My math friends are all
still very nice, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m starting to slip
again. It makes me so angry. I won’t let Ana back into my life again. I know
that it’s for the better, they told me. But I can’t help but think that even if
I was to let her back into my life, I wouldn’t be good enough for her anymore.
I quit on her. I’m a quitter. Why would she want me? I can’t follow through
with anything.
Sept 30
I’m
sorry I haven’t been writing, nothing really has been new. Cheer team is
bearable. I see Ana everywhere I go. I’m not good enough to fix things between
us. I won’t ever be. I’ll just be the one who “tried”. And didn’t succeed.
Oct 3
There
was a new girl in my class today. She came up to me and sat with me at lunch.
We talked the whole time. She asked about my family, the cheer team, even my
favorite food!! Ana never asked about any of that stuff. She never sat with me
at lunch either. But I think I really like this new girl. She makes me feel
good about myself. I know I just met her, but I’m really excited to get to know
her.
Oct 6
She
came home with me today. We had so much fun. We sat in my room and talked about
absolutely everything. From my crush on the 6th period blonde boy in
my Spanish class to what I wanted to do with my life. She is so easy to get
along with. She really makes me feel like I matter yanno? No one has made me
feel like that in a really long time.
Oct 9
She made me do
something last night. She said it worth it, that it would make me feel
beautiful again. She was staring at me through the bathroom mirror as I looked
into my own eyes. I was trying to build up the courage to just do it. If it
really was going to finally make me love myself again, why can’t I commit to
it. She started to make me feel bad about myself. Not in the way that Ana did,
though. Ana made me feel like I was never good enough. But this was different.
She made me think that everything would be okay if I just did it. So I did.
“Cleansed”
Oct 12
She’s been
coming with me everywhere now. I don’t think it’s a bad thing though. She is so
encouraging. She pushes me to become what I want to become. It’s just that some
days, she can be so manipulative. But I know it’s only because she cares about
me. She convinces me to do things because it will be better for me. She knows
what I want to be, and she says these things are the only way I’ll get it.
Oct 15
James
caught me last night. I was hunched over the toilet with my hands holding my
hair and he came in. He started to cry, he thought I was hurting myself. I
wasn’t. “Just not feeling well”, I told him. I held him in my arms until he
eventually fell asleep. I don’t want him to be scared for me. She is only
teaching me how to get what I want. I want him to understand that.
Oct 20
Things
are starting to change. They’re for the better, she says. I quit the
cheerleading team. She gets jealous when I hang out with other girls. She says
that it’s not fair that shes “puts so much work into helping be what I want to
be and I can’t even make time for her”. But I do. She comes home with me,
everynight. I’m starting to get concerned about her. I feel myself slipping to
a bad place again. It’s different than last time. But she says that’s because
I’m not dedicated enough. She really is harsh sometimes. But that’s just
because she loves me and wants to best for me. We have up and downs, but she is
really the only person there for me. So I’m gonna cherish it.
Oct 25
I
saw Ana for the first time in over a month today. She was still with her new
friends. She tried flaunting it to make me miss her. But I don’t. I have a real
friend now. I am better than her. Than them. I don’t give up. I’m finally
becoming what I want to be, and that’s all that I care about.
?????????????
Nov 11
I
woke up today with tubes in my mouth, restrained to a hospital bed. I never
thought I’d be in this place again. I haven’t been able to write lately, they
don’t let me. I just got all my notebooks back. They keep asking me what
happened. I can’t put it into words. The last thing I remember is the cold tile
floor pressing against my knees while she barked orders into my ears. My hand
were barely strong enough to hold my hair back anymore, I was hunched over the
toilet for at least an hour and a half at this point. She kept saying things
like
“You don’t deserve to indulge
anymore”.
“What makes you think you get what
you want when you don’t listen?”
“No wonder Ana left you, you can’t
commit to anything”
“Just do it, prove to me that you
deserve to be thin”. “This is a waste of my time, you’ll never amount to
anything”
Her
words cut like blades against my already raging headache. My body had nothing
left in me, but I wanted to prove her wrong. I didn’t listen today, so I needed
to show her I had control. One last attempt. I feel my mouth become clammy as I
stuck my fingers as far back as I could reach. One last cleanse. Then, it all
went black.
Later
The doctors
said I almost died. That if James didn’t find me when he did, my body would
have completely drained of hydration and nutrients. My organs would have
failed, and my parents would have found me lifeless on the floor of the
bathroom where I spent so many nights. James saved my life, they said.
I’m
going away, again. I won’t see her again, they said. Mia. They said I’m better
off without her, and that with the help of the people in white scrubs and the
Beyonce’ sing alongs, Mia won’t ever bother me again.
I
don’t believe them. But hey, at least I’ll get to jump in the fountain again.
