Before
He
and I attend our first high school basketball game since being at college and
it’s as if we never left. We’re immediately greeted by the sports director with
a huge smile. “I knew you guys would make it.” Everyone is so excited to see us
back and still together. Even the faculty. All of our friends are there and
motion to sit with them in the student section. We’re surrounded by all of our
friends screaming and cheering for the basketball team. “How was being apart?”
“How’d you guys do it?” “I knew you guys would be okay”; these questions are
asked all during the game, but we don’t mind. Everyone supports us, everyone
knows us. We talk until the games over, and we return to our cars. Everyone
makes plans to hangout again, assuring that they are so happy to finally have
the gang back. I am too. This is right. I’m so happy to be home.
I
finally get to see my best friend since I left for college. She’s a senior in
high school. She’s been my best friend since I was 7. In high school, I told
her everything. Besides my boyfriend, she is the most important person to me.
She’s always been between boyfriends, so she always has admired my
relationship. We run to each other when I get to her house and basically tackle
her to the ground. We immediately go into her room after recovering from the
intense embrace and she tells me “so spill it, how’d you do it? How was it?” I
go on to tell her all my fun new stories I’ve collected at college for the last
3 months and explain how easy it was to maintain my relationship. I explain how
often we visit, what we did, and that I am so happy that I found someone that I
could really have that fairytale relationship with. She agrees. She end
throwing on our favorite movie and cuddling up while we cry over the really
romantic parts. Eventually we are laughing so hard after seeing how ridiculous
we look crying because of the cute dog in the movie. We are so happy to be back
together. This is right. I’m so happy
to be home.
Christmas Day
dinner, I’m surrounded with his family, my family, and a couple of our closest
friends. This is what I’ve been waiting for all term. To be back with the
people I love the most. We are all talking about what we’ve been up to the last
couple of months, and everyone has plenty of fun stories to tell. But somehow,
then conversation ends up being about how he and I made it through this first
term. We don’t mind though, we figured people would ask. We love sharing our
story. Every one of these people is a part of our story. They are so glad to
hear how well we are doing, and begin to try and picture where we will end up
after college. Some say we’ll end up in the city in a little apartment with a
dog, some in a big ‘ol house somewhere in Delaware. The teacher and her police
officer husband. The 2 kids. The whole shebang. No one could decide where we
would be best, but never once assumed we wouldn’t be together. Neither do we.
And we love that. We spend the rest of the night driving around our home town,
collecting the memories we’ve made together for the past couple years. It feels
so great to revisit these memories. Every part of this town has an incredible
memory to it. This is right. I’m so
happy to be home.
We
stand in his long paved driveway surrounded by a huge field that smells like
wood and fresh grass. I can’t believe that the break is over. I say my
heartfelt goodbyes to his family, ensuring that they need to come visit me in
Philly before each break. Once it’s just he and I, he takes my face and softly
kisses my forehead. I start to tear up; the thought of this ever ending makes
me feel like my heart is in a concrete block. “We can do this” he says. “One
term closer to the rest of our lives”. I pull out of his driveway with tears in
my eyes. I’m so lucky to have this life. I never want it to end. I pass all of
our favorite spots in town before I leave for school, replaying the moments
we’ve shared in those exact spots in my head. This is right. I can’t want to be home again.
………
After
I am so glad
first term of Sophomore year is over. It was agonizing. My life is so much
different than I ever imagined it would be. I am so ready to just relax at home
and be with my family. Immediately as I get to the exit for my town, my stomach
flips. Here I am - in the exact place I longed to be in all last year. I dread
being home. I drive to my house, seeing all the spots that once were so
important to me. It all hits me at once, and I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s
the first time I’ve been home since. I arrive home and am greeted by my dog; she’s
one of the few things I’ve looked forward to seeing while on break. But after
she finally calms down, I stand in my bedroom doorway, seeing things exactly
house I left them. Pictures of him everywhere. His big t shirt that used to be
my favorite laid out on my bed. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that this
isn’t my life anymore. I hate seeing all of these memories scattered around my
room. I can’t get myself to put the stuff away, so I end up in the living room
on the couch. This is where I stay for the next two weeks. This is all wrong. I can’t wait to be back at
school.
After
a couple of days just binge watching my favorite Netflix series, my mom comes
into the living room. She had a really great day at work and can’t wait to tell
me about it. She starts to talk, but I can’t get myself to listen. If I get
distracted from my show for even a couple of minutes, who knows where my mind
will wander. I can’t let myself be in that place. After realizing that I am not
paying attention, she gets up. “What happened to you?” she asks. She tells me I
need to get out of the house and start to recover. But I can’t. Memories of him
fill not only my whole entire town, but every other aspect of my life – except
for this show. My room, my friends, my job, my local stores… everything is
associated with him. We built our lives together in this town for the past 3
years, and I can’t get myself to face the life I have to continue here. So I
don’t. I don’t respond to my mom at all and wait until she leaves. I can’t get
myself to tell her. I don’t wanna think about it. Or him. Or this town. So I
don’t. This is all wrong. I can’t
wait to be back at school.
Christmas
Day, my mom tells us she wants to spice things up this Christmas and go out for
a fancy Christmas dinner at my favorite restaurant. She says that it’s because
we need a better tradition, but I know it’s because she wants me to move on.
And as nice as dinner was and as wonderful as my family and friends were that
night, I still was not okay. I mean, how much small talk can someone make when
they know that everyone is dying to talk about the one thing I am trying to
avoid? I am so grateful and lucky to have the loving family that I do, but I
can’t get myself to enjoy the night. My first holiday in 3 years without him.
Or his family. This is all wrong. I
can’t wait to be back at school.
Finally
convincing myself to get out of the house, I meet up with my best friend. I
haven’t seen any of my friends since I’ve been back. It’s been 3 weeks. She is
really excited to see me, as I am for her. But I’m dreading conversation. Every
conversation with my friends always ends up coming back to him. They always
did. But now, I can’t even think about what I would be able to say without
crying. So we keep ourselves busy by going to our favorite horseback riding
place downtown. We used to go there all the time. It kept us busy, but I can’t
help but wait until the conversation takes the turn that I am dreading to confront.
I can’t even enjoy her company. This is all wrong.
I can’t wait to be back at school.
The
day has finally come. Moving back to school for winter term, and I couldn’t be
more excited. I can’t wait to start my new life; unassociated with any part of
this town. With any part of him. Leaving home is bitter sweet; the one place I
never wanted to leave turned into the place I was dying to get out of. The
friends I never wanted to leave turned into the people I tried my hardest to
avoid. The moments I never wanted to forget turned into the topics and things
that I block out of my mind so that I don’t return to this place in my head
ever again. Leading a new life in the city of opportunity is exactly what I
need. I pull up to my apartment and am greeted by my 3 best friends. They are
so excited to see me that they all jump on top of me at once. They are
squeezing me so tightly that I never want to let go. This is right. I’m so happy to be home.
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